Lady Gaga stealing my dance moves

Celebrity gossip is not usually my thing, but making fun of people totally is so here goes... I was reading a fashion blog that commented on Lady Gaga's Bad Romance video. There was a link to the video on the post, so I watched. There is a lot of crazy in that video but what I was horribly distracted by was the choreography. It looks like they filmed me dancing drunk in my zombie costume on Halloween. This may be the only time I wish I had a video of me dancing because honestly I could sue. Making claw fingers and doing the twist?!?! Those are MY moves. They are not good, but they are MINE. If I had known she was that hard up for choreographers I totally would have signed up for the gig. I have all kinds of bad dances I could hock including the sprinkler, the shopping cart, dice shaking, the angry/sexy chicken (if she does that one I'll start searching my house for cameras) the list goes on and on. Did no one on this video shoot have the nerve to tell Miss Gaga that her dancing sucked? She must have hired professional dancers for this. Did none of the dancers comment on the drunken spastic moves they were being asked to perform? I understand if you can't bring yourself to watch the whole thing, but here is the link. Start watching at 1:21 and you will get the gist by 1:50; there is another brilliant and very accurate example of my drunken zombie dancing at 3:10.

On a separate note, she wears the awesomely insane space hooves that Alexander McQueen presented at NY's Fashion Week at 3:30. I love and want them.

Boys are insane

I have come to the conclusion that boys are crazy. All of them, but especially the single ones.

Case in point: A friend of mine went on a dinner date with this guy. They had a lovely meal and got into a taxi to meet up with friends. On the way to the bar (note this is not on the way home from the bar) the guy whips out his wang. There had been no making out, no cuddling, no "excuse me ma'am would you like view my junk?" just cock in a cab. You may be thinking it was drunk penis. Unfortunately he cannot use alcohol as a crutch on this one as they had a bottle of wine between the 2 of them at dinner. I don't think 2 glasses of wine=cock in a cab; crazy does, though.

I was going to write a second example, but the first one really says it all. What sane man pulls out his weiner randomly on a date? Granted, this is just ONE man. And yes, by all means of general consideration he is a man. He is in his 40's, has a career, is not a drug addict. Maybe you would expect that kind of member showing behavior from a 15 year old. But a grown man? The whole thing is disturbing. My point is that it is possible I may have picked a genuinely crazy boy to exemplify this broad generalization, but it is my blog and I generalize if I want to.

White boys with fros

There are many a fashion blunder to be made as a man. I have discussed several in previous blog entries. The white fro has not been discussed until now because it is not girly (no self-respecting white girl would have hair dry enough to make into a fro). I witnessed a fro of great magnitude while lunching on Sunday (I also witnessed a girl in expensive high-heeled boots and cropped jeans, but I'll save that for a separate post). I was shocked and horrified for many reasons including: it is not 1973, he was not Art Garfunkel, he had a kid (in hopes that the fro would live on?), there are barber shops in this city, and last but not least he had a girlfriend.

What girl thinks that is attractive? What kind of girl lets her man walk out of the house looking like he has never met a bottle of conditioner? What kind of girl likes a man who spends hours teasing his hair? I don't know any girls who would tolerate this behavior. At the first sign of puffiness there would be hints about the barber shop. The instant there was a pick involved, there would be a serious talk about what a man should and should not do in order to keep getting laid. This girl, the one who accepts and possibly enjoys the white fro, I don't know what to say about her except that she must secretly hate her man or herself.

Babies

I'm at the age where people all around me are getting married and having babies. I understand the getting married thing- fear of getting old alone and whatnot, but BABIES? Honestly, I can't understand why people put up with those things. They are all wrinkly and ugly, they keep you up all night, suck up all your cash, puke/poop on you and generally make your life hell. In some cases they make life hell for the next 80 years. Why would you want one??

It is amazing to me that there is not a horror movie based on babies. Picture this: a woman has something growing inside of her. It screws up her internal organs, makes her fat, and generally makes her body uncomfortable to live inside of for months. When she rids her body of the parasite, said parasite forces her to feed it, wipe its ass, keeps her up all night and prevents her from having a normal life for the rest of her life. Is that not the plot of a terrifying movie?? That movie would scare the shit out of me. I was discussing this with a friend today. She reminded me of Rosemary's Baby, in which the baby is the devil. Maybe the scary part of that movie was not that the devil was present on earth, but that babies are present on earth. Scary.

Boys are no longer fun to write about

So I had pretty much forgotten about my blog until a friend mentioned it last night. You may be wondering how I could forget about something so important and culturally relevant. I will tell you how: boys are girls. They are not even fun to comment on or make fun of anymore. It is common knowledge that boys are girls and everyone seems to be comfortable with that.

This fact begs the question: what is the point of this blog? The short answer is that there is no longer a point to this blog. The long answer is that while boys=girls is no longer speculation but pure fact, I am left to ponder other subjects in the same catty, biased way as I did boys. Those of you who know me well know that I have no shortage of opinions. The plan going forward is to use my my blog as a written bitchfest for all things great and small. Stay tuned.

Boys wearing nail polish

I have commented in a previous post about boys getting their "nails did". Let's ignore the dreaded MANicure for a minute. I want to discuss boys wearing nail polish seemingly of their own accord and obviously not applied by a professional. I have noticed several boys with polish. Some colored, some clear, all girly. These boys look like their little sisters played makeover while said boy was passed out on the couch (probably watching America's Next Top Model, but that is sheer speculation).

So why would a boy paint his nails? Maybe he has some weird nail infection that requires covering? Maybe he likes the smell of nail polish and remover? I doubt it. I suspect boys wearing nail polish are actually girls.

Boys wearing skinny jeans

Take a good look at the photo above. This guy is wearing multiple bracelets, white shoes (i'm hoping this was taken before Labor Day) and skinny jeans. These are all things that girls do. He has successfully avoided the mamal toe, (man camel toe for those who have not heard the term) but that is the only thing he has done right. I bet if we could see his hair, he would have the Carol Brady haircut as well.

There are many reasons for girls to wear skinny jeans like showing off legs or ass or both. I can't think of any reason boys should be wearing skinny jeans. Apparently Jay-Z has taken notice of this trend and so eloquently said "can't wear skinny jeans cus my knots don't fit". His comment leads me to wonder: where do you put your boy bits in skinny jeans? If your junk is small enough to fit into skinny jeans then maybe you actually are a girl.