Buh-bye decade

So it has come to the end of the year and more importantly the end of a decade. Wow. In 2008 I was much more prolific with my blog writing. Of course, in 2008 boys had not quite come to terms with the fact that they are the new girls. Maybe 2009 was the year of acceptance for boys=girls. Maybe the last ten years lead up to the 2009 climax of boys becoming girls? I'd like to think my blog created a real-world discussion about the subject, but anyway...
I've been reading lots of top 10 lists for the year. None have been particularly memorable to me. I was considering putting one together of my own, but I can only think of random things to put on my list. In fact, here is my list of 10 random things from the past year:
1. "Where the Wild Things Are" was turned into a movie that I didn't see.
2. Everyone was talking about Balloon Boy for like a week.
3. Some idiot tried to blow up a plane but only succeeded in making flying more of a pain in the ass for everyone else.
4. Lady Gaga was EVERYWHERE.
5. Tiger Woods was outed as an adulterous man-whore.
6. I bought a house.
7. Some guy came up with a horrific way to combine pie and cake and called it a Cherpumple.
8. Lots and lots of places went out of business including the Pita Pit across from my office. I loved that place!
9. Obama gave people money for buying cars and houses, which was awesome! I think it will come back to bite us though...
10. People pretty much stopped using the term "bromance".
There you have it. My completely random (and useless) list for the past year. I hope your year was better and more memorable than my list. As for the next 10 years, I'm hoping for more money, more peace, more fun and more men (as opposed to boys=girls)! Happy New Year Everyone!

Boys and Hello Kitty

I found an article the other day that discussed the existance of a Hello Kitty airplane (which is awesome) and sent the article to a girlfriend of mine. She, in turn, sent it to her boyfriend who was “creeped out” by it. His comment got me thinking: does it matter what a boy thinks about Hello Kitty since she is so obviously a girl thing? I bet you can guess what the answer to that question is: HELL YES it matters!
I like Hello Kitty. I'm not a fanatic or anything, but I do own a Hello Kitty t-shirt and a sundry of knickknacks that were gifts from loved ones. So being as I’m not a Hello Kitty nut, and I can appreciate the hilarity that is the Hello Kitty Hell blog, why would I care what a boy thinks of said Kitty? The answer is simple: a boy’s feelings about Hello Kitty reflect on his overall view of the world. Allow me to illustrate in broad generalizations (as I am known to do):
1. If you are a boy who likes Hello Kitty: awesome! This means you appreciate frivolity, and girls, and things that exist for the sake of happiness and entertainment.
2. If you are a boy who has no feelings about her: This means you are not interested in girly things because you are too busy watching football and/or scratching your boy parts. I’m fine with this stance on the Kitty. I have complained ad nauseum about boys acting like girls. Not caring about Hello Kitty means you are at least being a boy about it.
3. If you are a boy who does not like/are creeped out by Hello Kitty: This can mean several things:
a. You do not think there should be joy in the world.
b. You have noticed that Hello Kitty makes girls happy and since you have not made any girls happy, you are slightly jealous of her.
c. You hate all things cute. You probably also hate girls, puppies, chocolate, presents, everything listed in the song “My Favorite Things” sung by Julie Andrews.
What's not to like about a Japanese cat whose whole purpose in life is to look cute? Nothing, that’s what. I am suspicious of any boy who spends any time actively disliking or being scared of a super cute girly icon. Being scared of the Kitty may ultimately mean you’re scared of girls. I have no sympathy for boys who are scared of girls. Grow a pair, seriously.

Lady Gaga stealing my dance moves

Celebrity gossip is not usually my thing, but making fun of people totally is so here goes... I was reading a fashion blog that commented on Lady Gaga's Bad Romance video. There was a link to the video on the post, so I watched. There is a lot of crazy in that video but what I was horribly distracted by was the choreography. It looks like they filmed me dancing drunk in my zombie costume on Halloween. This may be the only time I wish I had a video of me dancing because honestly I could sue. Making claw fingers and doing the twist?!?! Those are MY moves. They are not good, but they are MINE. If I had known she was that hard up for choreographers I totally would have signed up for the gig. I have all kinds of bad dances I could hock including the sprinkler, the shopping cart, dice shaking, the angry/sexy chicken (if she does that one I'll start searching my house for cameras) the list goes on and on. Did no one on this video shoot have the nerve to tell Miss Gaga that her dancing sucked? She must have hired professional dancers for this. Did none of the dancers comment on the drunken spastic moves they were being asked to perform? I understand if you can't bring yourself to watch the whole thing, but here is the link. Start watching at 1:21 and you will get the gist by 1:50; there is another brilliant and very accurate example of my drunken zombie dancing at 3:10.

On a separate note, she wears the awesomely insane space hooves that Alexander McQueen presented at NY's Fashion Week at 3:30. I love and want them.

Boys are insane

I have come to the conclusion that boys are crazy. All of them, but especially the single ones.

Case in point: A friend of mine went on a dinner date with this guy. They had a lovely meal and got into a taxi to meet up with friends. On the way to the bar (note this is not on the way home from the bar) the guy whips out his wang. There had been no making out, no cuddling, no "excuse me ma'am would you like view my junk?" just cock in a cab. You may be thinking it was drunk penis. Unfortunately he cannot use alcohol as a crutch on this one as they had a bottle of wine between the 2 of them at dinner. I don't think 2 glasses of wine=cock in a cab; crazy does, though.

I was going to write a second example, but the first one really says it all. What sane man pulls out his weiner randomly on a date? Granted, this is just ONE man. And yes, by all means of general consideration he is a man. He is in his 40's, has a career, is not a drug addict. Maybe you would expect that kind of member showing behavior from a 15 year old. But a grown man? The whole thing is disturbing. My point is that it is possible I may have picked a genuinely crazy boy to exemplify this broad generalization, but it is my blog and I generalize if I want to.

White boys with fros

There are many a fashion blunder to be made as a man. I have discussed several in previous blog entries. The white fro has not been discussed until now because it is not girly (no self-respecting white girl would have hair dry enough to make into a fro). I witnessed a fro of great magnitude while lunching on Sunday (I also witnessed a girl in expensive high-heeled boots and cropped jeans, but I'll save that for a separate post). I was shocked and horrified for many reasons including: it is not 1973, he was not Art Garfunkel, he had a kid (in hopes that the fro would live on?), there are barber shops in this city, and last but not least he had a girlfriend.

What girl thinks that is attractive? What kind of girl lets her man walk out of the house looking like he has never met a bottle of conditioner? What kind of girl likes a man who spends hours teasing his hair? I don't know any girls who would tolerate this behavior. At the first sign of puffiness there would be hints about the barber shop. The instant there was a pick involved, there would be a serious talk about what a man should and should not do in order to keep getting laid. This girl, the one who accepts and possibly enjoys the white fro, I don't know what to say about her except that she must secretly hate her man or herself.

Babies

I'm at the age where people all around me are getting married and having babies. I understand the getting married thing- fear of getting old alone and whatnot, but BABIES? Honestly, I can't understand why people put up with those things. They are all wrinkly and ugly, they keep you up all night, suck up all your cash, puke/poop on you and generally make your life hell. In some cases they make life hell for the next 80 years. Why would you want one??

It is amazing to me that there is not a horror movie based on babies. Picture this: a woman has something growing inside of her. It screws up her internal organs, makes her fat, and generally makes her body uncomfortable to live inside of for months. When she rids her body of the parasite, said parasite forces her to feed it, wipe its ass, keeps her up all night and prevents her from having a normal life for the rest of her life. Is that not the plot of a terrifying movie?? That movie would scare the shit out of me. I was discussing this with a friend today. She reminded me of Rosemary's Baby, in which the baby is the devil. Maybe the scary part of that movie was not that the devil was present on earth, but that babies are present on earth. Scary.

Boys are no longer fun to write about

So I had pretty much forgotten about my blog until a friend mentioned it last night. You may be wondering how I could forget about something so important and culturally relevant. I will tell you how: boys are girls. They are not even fun to comment on or make fun of anymore. It is common knowledge that boys are girls and everyone seems to be comfortable with that.

This fact begs the question: what is the point of this blog? The short answer is that there is no longer a point to this blog. The long answer is that while boys=girls is no longer speculation but pure fact, I am left to ponder other subjects in the same catty, biased way as I did boys. Those of you who know me well know that I have no shortage of opinions. The plan going forward is to use my my blog as a written bitchfest for all things great and small. Stay tuned.

Boys wearing nail polish

I have commented in a previous post about boys getting their "nails did". Let's ignore the dreaded MANicure for a minute. I want to discuss boys wearing nail polish seemingly of their own accord and obviously not applied by a professional. I have noticed several boys with polish. Some colored, some clear, all girly. These boys look like their little sisters played makeover while said boy was passed out on the couch (probably watching America's Next Top Model, but that is sheer speculation).

So why would a boy paint his nails? Maybe he has some weird nail infection that requires covering? Maybe he likes the smell of nail polish and remover? I doubt it. I suspect boys wearing nail polish are actually girls.

Boys wearing skinny jeans

Take a good look at the photo above. This guy is wearing multiple bracelets, white shoes (i'm hoping this was taken before Labor Day) and skinny jeans. These are all things that girls do. He has successfully avoided the mamal toe, (man camel toe for those who have not heard the term) but that is the only thing he has done right. I bet if we could see his hair, he would have the Carol Brady haircut as well.

There are many reasons for girls to wear skinny jeans like showing off legs or ass or both. I can't think of any reason boys should be wearing skinny jeans. Apparently Jay-Z has taken notice of this trend and so eloquently said "can't wear skinny jeans cus my knots don't fit". His comment leads me to wonder: where do you put your boy bits in skinny jeans? If your junk is small enough to fit into skinny jeans then maybe you actually are a girl.

Boys at the club

This should probably be multiple posts but since I witnessed this behavior in one specific place last night I'm condensing to one post. The boys I am about to describe were on tail patrol. These boys did not look like hardened criminals to me, but the serious desperation for any kind of female attention would lead one to believe they had been locked up for the past 10 years. I had to tell the same guy NO on 2 separate occasions. So, assuming that their main reason for venturing out to a club was to either meet a girl to date, or sleep with, or both, consider the following:

A. Boys wearing shiny/bedazzled shirts- I kid you not, there was a boy wearing a bedazzled shirt. That makes him a very specific kind of girl: the kind of girl who makes crafts with a Bedazzler. I know you can picture that girl. If your shirt is made out of a metallic fabric, has metallic fabric swatches strategically placed, or is encrusted with jewels of any sort, that shirt is gay (no, I don't care how much you paid for it); AND if you are wearing said shirt as straight man, that makes you a girl.

B. Boys dancing like girls- This was an earlier post, but it deserves to be revisited. Go watch a Chris Brown video and learn how to at least look smooth while you dance. STOP copying Britney Spears dance moves. Now. If you are shaking your ass more than I am, you are more of a girl than I am.

C. Boys drinking girly cocktails- There are certain drinks that are considered girl drinks. I think a good rule is that if it is pink and served with cherries it is a girl drink. If you are a boy ordering a pink drink with cherries in it, you better be buying that drink for a girl.

How, I wonder, do any of these boys ever expect to pick up a girl if they are behaving this way? As far as I could tell, all of the boys discussed above went home alone. Let that be a lesson to all you boys hoping to get laid by a girl at a bar. If you want to attract girls, act like a man.

Boys wearing pink

I came across this photo while reading one of my lovely subscriber's blog. This guy is a douchebag for many reasons, but I would argue that wearing 2 kinds of pink makes him not only a douchebag but also a girl. He might be one step away from wearing his girlfriend's lip gloss to make his lips "pop". I'm just sayin'.

For the record, pink is a girl color. Always. Pink ties are girly. Pink shirts are girly. Pink pants are girly. There is no pink clothing item that can be worn by a man and be considered manly. If you are a man who wears pink for any reason, I think the reason must be that you are a girl.

New Year

Tomorrow begins a fresh year. Let's hope that at least a few boys have read and learned from this blog. I would like to suggest a New Year's resolution for all of the boys who have girly ways. Your resolution should be: I will be a not be a girl this year, I will be a MAN! Feel free to use it as a mantra. Write it on your bathroom mirror so you see it morning and night.

For all of you boys who have accepted your girly ways, I applaud your good sportsmanship about the blog over the past year. At least sportsmanship has the word sport in it which makes it, and therefore you, a little manly. I hope you continue to be good natured about it in the coming year as I do plan to have more fun at your expense. Happy New Year everyone!!

Boys going to musicals

I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine who lives in San Francisco. He told me about a straight man who goes to see Phantom of the Opera several times a year. Not because his wife makes him, not because he has a crush on the girl playing the heroine, but because he loves musicals. Straight guys who like musicals? Really?

I don't know any guys who go to see musicals on their own or who would openly admit to enjoying musical theater. Maybe this is some kind of weird West Coast girly shit? I have a sneaking suspicion that San Francisco is a treasure trove of blog worthy material. I'll have to visit soon. Until then, let's just hope that kind of girly business does not start spreading east.

Boys eating at La Madeleine

While dining at the notoriously girly restaurant La Madeleine last night, I noticed something odd: most of the diners were boys. There were father and son pairs, a group of 20 something guys, two older men, etc. None of these boys had women with them and none appeared to be gay. Pretty much every man I know will only go into said establishment if he is accompanied by a woman who chose to eat there. I found it unsettling in the same way I would find it unsettling if a group of women chose to have dinner at BW3's on a Saturday night without the Olympics on TV. Why would a group of straight men eat at La Madeleine? Did they have a craving for salad and quiche? Were they in need of delicate pastries? The only logical conclusion I can come up with for boys choosing to eat at girly restaurants is that boys are the new girls.

Boys watching girl movies

I was watching Breakfast at Tiffany's the other night with some girl friends of mine. We began to discuss the wonder that is Audrey Hepburn (is it possible to avoid that discussion while watching Audrey?) when my friend mentions that she knows a boy with a collection of Audrey Hepburn movies. I'm not saying that all Audrey Hepburn movies are girly, but all of the ones I can name off the top of my head are. My Fair Lady, Sabrina, Roman Holiday, and the afore mentioned Breakfast at Tiffany's are some of the girliest movies I've ever seen. If you are not gay but are a man who owns a collection of girly movies, you are not a man. You are a girl.

Boys with girl hair

Ok so maybe I'm just getting old, but what is UP with boys and the flippy, straightened, slightly long hair with WAY too much product? I saw the Jonas Brothers on a magazine cover in the grocery store and I thought the middle brother's hair looked familiar. Low and behold the pictures above. Boys have started taking hair styling tips from Carol Brady. WTF?

I didn't think this boy was old enough to know who Carol Brady is, but apparently he (or maybe his mom) loves her hair. Maybe there is whole generation of boys whose mothers only know how to style hair like Carol Brady. Maybe those mothers with their limited beautician skills set to work on their sons' hair fearing that the boys would leave the house with bedhead. Maybe. Or maybe boys styling their hair after popular ladies of the 70's are girls.

Boys dancing like girls

I like a man who can dance. I find it endearing. But much like music, there is boy dancing and girl dancing. Boys can do a number of dances which are not inherently girly. However, I have noticed more and more boys throwing caution to the wind and shaking their asses like salt shakers. These were not men doing a salsa routine with a woman, these were boys alone on the dance floor shaking what their mama gave them. Here is a tip boys: swiveling your hips while waving your hands in the air is a girl dance. And it is not even a very good one. If these boys are at the club trying to pick up girls while imitating girly dances I have to ask: are they trying to pick up lesbians? Because, seriously, no self respecting girl will be wooed by a boy who steals her dance moves.

Boys and excessive manscaping

Before I begin, let me make it very clear that not all manscaping is bad. I would argue that more manscaping is better than less, even. However, there is a very fine line. For example, if you are an Olympic swimmer it is acceptable to shave every inch of your body. You have proved your manly endurance in the water and you have earned the right to be as hairless as a 6 year old girl without ridicule from me. If you are not an Olympic swimmer and you are totally hairless, I begin to wonder: ARE you a 6 year old girl?

Please boys, do not take this as the green light to grow Santa beards, let your chest hair grow long enough to be plaited, or quit waxing your back hair. None of those things are acceptable. In fact, I am ok with guys going to the spa to get their back hair waxed. I am even a proponent of it. Anywhere you have hair, I suggest you trim it regularly but shaving your whole body is just unnecessary. For the record, I'm not a fan of facial hair and would always prefer a clean-shaven face on a man. Clean-shaven body on the other hand just makes me think you have yet to hit puberty and could possibly be a girl.

Boys listening to girl music

Some music is made for dancing, some for art, some for rocking out, some to make a statement, some for boys and some for girls. I'm sure there are girls who listen to boy music. Why anyone of any gender would listen to metal is beyond me, but you can't deny that metal is for boys. In the same line of thinking, you can't deny that the Cardigans, Spice Girls, Ani DiFranco and the like is girl music. So, if you are a boy listening to girl music does that make you a girl? On this blog, it sure does.

Boys having bromances

The wait is over! Bromances should have been one of the first posts, but alas all good things are worth waiting for. For those of you who are not familiar with the term, Urban Dictionary defines bromance as: the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males. That does not sound so bad. Boys loving each other in a friendly way is perfectly acceptable. Isn't that what football is about? A bunch of guys running around tackling and slapping each other on the ass to form piles of man love? I bet my guy friends would very much disagree with their beloved sport being turned into a homoerotic romp. I digress.

Guys having bros is definitely nothing new, but the bromance (and its term being coined) shows a turn in the way guys are expressing feelings for each other. In the old days, let's say the 1980's- I'm thinking Weekend At Bernie's is a good example, guys would show their affection by going to sporting events, or hanging out at bars to pick up chicks, maybe going to a sports bar for dinner. In other words, doing things that girls don't generally want to do. These days boys talk on the phone with their guy friends. Not just "Hey want to watch the game on Sunday?" but real, involved conversations. They hug each other with all body parts touching, not the one armed partial handshake hug of yore. If you have seen Superbad, the snuggle scene is the ultimate bromantic scene in cinema possibly to this date. I think it is only a matter of time before boys start going to the bathroom in pairs.

Don't think that I'm against boys having feelings, or having close friends. I just think that if boys are choosing to bond through snuggling, or feel the need to accompany each other to the restroom, they should not cry when I call them girls.